Eventually we come to long for a romantic focus for our affection. For those whose needs were met, this romantic yearning is a balanced wish to love and to be loved.
For those who were deprived of the comfort and safety of met needs and the feeling of being valued and lovable, the drive can sometimes be to find someone to finally meet those needs; to find someone to be loved by.
These people have had little or no loving experiences to pattern their feelings and behaviors on. Many of us have found ourselves in relationships with people in this developmental standstill at some time in our life. Some of us are those people. Few people have had a perfect upbringing.
There is no template of acceptable and functional behavior to pattern on if one has not been parented effectively. Committed relationships give us an opportunity to work through these issues and to reach a higher level of maturity in what I see as an emotional alchemy.
The phrase “falling in love” has often puzzled me. How many people do you know who love to fall? Falling implies: loss of equilibrium, loss of balance, and often, pain or injury. We warn small children “Careful, you don’t want to fall.” But almost everyone hopes to fall in love. In my early 20s, after some painful romantic falls, I decided it was time to incorporate some “choice” into my love life. This doesn’t mean that I intended to ignore chemistry or attraction. I just thought it was time to arrive at some characteristics and qualities which I was looking for in a partner beyond initial attraction.
When my daughter was in college she would call me whenever she met someone she was interested in. By that time, I had developed a check list based on the primary qualities I had arrived at “back in the day” when I was honing in on what I wanted in a mate, the list my husband met and eventually surpassed.
“Is he kind, intelligent, and does he have a sense of humor?” Kindness and courtesy are essential in the close quarters of a love relationship. Whatever intelligent means to you is essential in a life partner, boredom makes your attention wander. Humor keeps you from taking life too seriously and escalating nonsense into issues. It makes life together more fun!
The last question may seem inappropriate to some. It was “Is he hot?” (the current slang for attractive). She would giggle and elaborate. Chemistry and attraction provide a spark to the fire of relationships.
Many people have forgotten how to sustain and nourish their relationship. It takes attention and focus. Many allow that focus to be taken by another’s attention. I’ve asked people in failing or faltering relationships, How would you behave if you just met your partner and you weren’t yet sure if they were really interested in you? Would you wear sweats and an old ripped T‑shirt to bed? Would you walk around all rumpled and uncombed in the morning? Would you wear a sexy cologne or put on lip gloss before he came home? Would you bring her flowers for no reason at all? Do you still run your hand down his arm when you go by or stop and hug her as you’re doing something in the same room? Do you smile at each other often, or look in each other’s eyes often? When your partner comes home are you glad? Do you get up and make a real loving connection showing you’re glad they’ve come home, or do you keep doing what you’re doing and absentmindedly say “Hi?” How often do you really look into those eyes which first caught yours? And flirting, remember flirting? Who do you flirt with these days?
I’ve been with my husband 33 years. We still flirt, look in each other’s eyes, hold hands, hug and touch often throughout the day, and call each other when we’re not together just to say hi and hear each other’s voice. He doesn’t complete me, he complements me. He doesn’t make me happy. That’s not his job and happiness is transient anyway. I have found my own joy. I share it with him and I am happy with him. In our walk together through life we diverge and converge. We share many interests and goals and some are our own individual paths. We’ve had rough times but we’ve worked through them; telling each other what was important to us, what we wanted and needed, and caring enough to change what we could, and accept what we couldn’t. The reward has been worth it.
My relationship, like my home, is my haven and sanctuary. It nourishes my heart and gives me the ability to have that love ripple out to my family, friends, animals, strangers, humanity and the world in general. Love really does make my world go ‘round.
Choose well who you go to for advice when your relationship is faltering. I’ve seen people guided into a direction of pride and self- righteousness or alienation by bitter or detached people who are unable to nurture a relationship in their own lives and who unwittingly steer the troubled in the wrong direction. True we grow and change and sometimes end up as quite different people throughout a relationship. Sometimes we do need to move on. But never settle for living in animosity and detachment.
Speak with love and respect to each other, and if you’re too fired up to do so at the moment, then reschedule the talk for two hours, two days, or even a week later. Make amends, apologize if you need to, but don’t make a habit of behavior that requires apology. Ask yourself if it’s more important to be right, or to be loved and loving. Be the person you want to be with. Be grateful and full of grace. And use actions and sweet words to tell each other of your love. You’ll find that the coals of a long-term relationship will respond to all of these things and the fire will never go out.
Flaminia Zeman has had a life coach/stress management consulting practice in Wilmington, and has been a member of the National Guild of Hypnotists since 1990. She can be reached at (802) 464‑5898.
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